What I need, what I want - one in the same?

So, life was a little hairy since my last post. So much to tell, so much to wonder how I made it through, so much to pray about.

Ok, let's see - summer semester is over so that's definitely a praise! I made it through with an A and a B, definitely worth writing home about, and am officially a Student Nurse. Sounds so good to say, looks even better on me in the form of navy scrubs and my name tag. I'll have to take a picture to share. :)

The kids have only a week left of summer break because they go back to school on August 4th. In case you're wondering, that loud yell was the inner me having a party. I've been waiting for this day, oh, since the last day of school back in May...

Things personally are still a bit, um, "bumpy". I'm kind of at a place where I'm tired of praying about it, too, which is so selfish of me. Basically, I think I'm mentally taking my ball and going home since the game isn't being played by my rules. I always do this, too, as if I know the best way to do things. I learn the hard way, though; always have, always will I guess. I'll be my usual stubborn self, things won't go the way they should, I'll run to God because I want Him to make it better, I get the "lecture" from Him about putting all my trust in Him and "hear" Him ask me why I won't just believe He knows what's best, make a decision to quit this power trip I'm on and hand it all over, and then start this process again when the next situation comes that I think I can handle by myself.

But anyway, I really am at a crossroads personally and I just don't know which way I should go. I know what I want; that's never something hard to figure out. But if what I want to do doesn't match what I should do, I'm only setting myself up for a struggle. The last thing I need right now is more struggle in my life but do I take that in to account? Nah. I told you, I'm stubborn.

These personal issues are a major exacerbater of all my other problems - extra stress, exacerbated health issues (mostly due to the complications stress adds), and emotional emptiness. That's why I am so perplexed about this. My solution will bring some pretty immediate remedy to the situation. Should be an easy decision then, right? Ugh, I wish. Anyway, if you're up for it, keep me in your prayers.

Have you ever had the feeling that you've lost someone close? Like a close family member or a good friend has died but in reality no one is gone, you just feel empty for some reason? That's how I feel right now. Like, I'm not sad and in mourning or anything but I just have this "something's missing" feeling. I know it's not that I'm apart from God - I know what that feels like because I've distanced myself from Him before and that was a totally different feeling. No, I feel like there's just been a death or a loss of some sort. I can't exactly put my finger on it but I know I don't like it. And, like a total hormonal sap, I feel like if I cry about it I'll feel better, lol. I can't just cry for no reason, though (even if my church family thinks otherwise, ha).

No, I need a reason. I need a reason so I can totally put my heart and soul into the reasons behind the crying, if that makes any sense. For instance, when I'm hormonal during the week the aliens come to visit (*wink*) then I don't just cry because I can. Instead, I'll put a good "cry" movie on and weep at the emotional aspects of the film (the best one for me is "A Walk To Remember" - if you can't cry to that, you just can't cry...).

So, this missing, empty, not-sure-what-my-loss-is feeling is driving me crazy and I can't cry and feel better until I figure it out. Maybe it's my relationship with Tommy, maybe it's this impending doom of Ashley moving out of the house (yes, I realize it's still 3 years away; that doesn't make it seem any less imminent), maybe it's my feelings of failing as a parent and spouse. I don't know. I do know I should pray about it but God is so funny - He'll somehow work the other issues I don't want to pray about into the response He gives me on this. I'm 32 years old and still avoiding "Parental" advice.

But He's wonderful and merciful and is always there for me, no matter what. He knows me better than I know myself, so much that He knows I'm going to be stubborn and learn the hard way. And He has the perfect way to teach me already mapped out for when I cry out to Him for help and knows just when I'm going to ask for it...right down to the second. Maybe that's what my problem is - even though I feel in control I know I'm not and it just aggravates my handling of it. And yet, through all of this, He still loves me and desires for me to be close to Him, wants me to give it all to Him so I can just sit and be still...