So, life was a little hairy since my last post. So much to tell, so much to wonder how I made it through, so much to pray about.
Ok, let's see - summer semester is over so that's definitely a praise! I made it through with an A and a B, definitely worth writing home about, and am officially a Student Nurse. Sounds so good to say, looks even better on me in the form of navy scrubs and my name tag. I'll have to take a picture to share. :)
The kids have only a week left of summer break because they go back to school on August 4th. In case you're wondering, that loud yell was the inner me having a party. I've been waiting for this day, oh, since the last day of school back in May...
Things personally are still a bit, um, "bumpy". I'm kind of at a place where I'm tired of praying about it, too, which is so selfish of me. Basically, I think I'm mentally taking my ball and going home since the game isn't being played by my rules. I always do this, too, as if I know the best way to do things. I learn the hard way, though; always have, always will I guess. I'll be my usual stubborn self, things won't go the way they should, I'll run to God because I want Him to make it better, I get the "lecture" from Him about putting all my trust in Him and "hear" Him ask me why I won't just believe He knows what's best, make a decision to quit this power trip I'm on and hand it all over, and then start this process again when the next situation comes that I think I can handle by myself.
But anyway, I really am at a crossroads personally and I just don't know which way I should go. I know what I want; that's never something hard to figure out. But if what I want to do doesn't match what I should do, I'm only setting myself up for a struggle. The last thing I need right now is more struggle in my life but do I take that in to account? Nah. I told you, I'm stubborn.
These personal issues are a major exacerbater of all my other problems - extra stress, exacerbated health issues (mostly due to the complications stress adds), and emotional emptiness. That's why I am so perplexed about this. My solution will bring some pretty immediate remedy to the situation. Should be an easy decision then, right? Ugh, I wish. Anyway, if you're up for it, keep me in your prayers.
Have you ever had the feeling that you've lost someone close? Like a close family member or a good friend has died but in reality no one is gone, you just feel empty for some reason? That's how I feel right now. Like, I'm not sad and in mourning or anything but I just have this "something's missing" feeling. I know it's not that I'm apart from God - I know what that feels like because I've distanced myself from Him before and that was a totally different feeling. No, I feel like there's just been a death or a loss of some sort. I can't exactly put my finger on it but I know I don't like it. And, like a total hormonal sap, I feel like if I cry about it I'll feel better, lol. I can't just cry for no reason, though (even if my church family thinks otherwise, ha).
No, I need a reason. I need a reason so I can totally put my heart and soul into the reasons behind the crying, if that makes any sense. For instance, when I'm hormonal during the week the aliens come to visit (*wink*) then I don't just cry because I can. Instead, I'll put a good "cry" movie on and weep at the emotional aspects of the film (the best one for me is "A Walk To Remember" - if you can't cry to that, you just can't cry...).
So, this missing, empty, not-sure-what-my-loss-is feeling is driving me crazy and I can't cry and feel better until I figure it out. Maybe it's my relationship with Tommy, maybe it's this impending doom of Ashley moving out of the house (yes, I realize it's still 3 years away; that doesn't make it seem any less imminent), maybe it's my feelings of failing as a parent and spouse. I don't know. I do know I should pray about it but God is so funny - He'll somehow work the other issues I don't want to pray about into the response He gives me on this. I'm 32 years old and still avoiding "Parental" advice.
But He's wonderful and merciful and is always there for me, no matter what. He knows me better than I know myself, so much that He knows I'm going to be stubborn and learn the hard way. And He has the perfect way to teach me already mapped out for when I cry out to Him for help and knows just when I'm going to ask for it...right down to the second. Maybe that's what my problem is - even though I feel in control I know I'm not and it just aggravates my handling of it. And yet, through all of this, He still loves me and desires for me to be close to Him, wants me to give it all to Him so I can just sit and be still...
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
I'll have a "Foot in Mouth" to go, please....
I feel like I've just crawled out of a hole that I was stuck in for a week. Between schoolwork, emotional issues, and daily responsibilities, I didn't think I'd ever get out! Thankfully, I am able to breathe and just relax for a moment for the first time since summer semester began.
A quick recap on what the kids have been up to: Ashley went to PC with some friends and will be back later this afternoon, Brad and Blake went to Key West with Tommy for a trip that turned out to be totally wasted (and a bit costly), Brad is now up in Atlanta with his friend Chase until Saturday, Blake is going up to Atlanta with me tomorrow (I have a baby shower to attend on Saturday) and will get to play with one of his best friends who he hasn't seen since we moved down here, and Brooklyn has been enjoying her Little Tikes playhouse she got last week. Other than that, they're all just as sweet and rotten as usual!! :)
Now, to on to me. I had a new low last week, last Tuesday to be exact. I had just left school, was heading home to a) take Ashley to her friend Taylor so they could go out to eat for Tay's bday, and b) head back home to finish a module test and then study for the test in class on Weds. There was a parent meeting for cheerleading to discuss fundraising but I was planning skipping that. I get a call from one of the moms asking me to come to the meeting so I could talk about the golf tournament (a fundraiser I was heading that would, in one day, raise the $5000 we needed for the new uniforms). I head over there, using time I just didn't have to spare, to talk about the tournament. After an hour and a half, I'm totally aggravated because it's seeming more and more like a big pain in the behind due to a couple of the moms. Every time I turn around, there's an opposition to something and I know it's because they didn't come up with the idea (I know, lame; who cares who came up with it so long as it gets the girls their uniforms and we don't pay out of pocket!!). I leave just ready to explode in tears because I was so annoyed.
I headed to Tokyo's to eat, the same restaurant Ashley was at with Taylor, her friends, and her mom. I couldn't sit with them and eat because we were too late; no biggie. But I went over to talk with Tammy about the meeting (she didn't go, obviously, since she had to be there with the girls) and blurted out that I just wanted to punch [insert mother's name here] in the face. I said it really could have been anyone and I'd have wanted to punch them, too - I think Tammy was feeling like she was glad she hadn't gone, lol. I continue to go on about my aggravation with this one mother, look to my left, and there is her daughter. I just burst into tears and go sit down. I mean, what was I supposed to now do? Omg, it was horrible.
When we were leaving, I pulled Mysti aside and told her I was sorry she'd heard me say that and that it wasn't anything personal against her mother and that it could've been anyone's mom and I'd have felt like that because I was feeling targeted at the meeting. She said she understood, hugged me, and I left. To say I felt an inch tall that night is an understatement.
I realized my limitations that night. I realized that I put too much on myself, I allow too much to be put on me, and I don't allow others to help or share in the responsibilities. That night was the result of my limits being exceeded. But as horrible as it was to go through (and I'm sure there will be residuals to come), I'm glad I went through it.
So while I was praying to God at Tokyo's saying,
"God, why on earth did you let me say that knowing Mysti was right there! Couldn't You have given me a sign to look left??",
I am now praying,
"Thank you, God, for opening my eyes to what You've been telling me all along while I was too busy to stop and listen. Thank you for using an example that left no questions whatsoever as to what You were saying to me and that You love me enough to keep telling me over and over, even when You have to get tough for me to hear."
A quick recap on what the kids have been up to: Ashley went to PC with some friends and will be back later this afternoon, Brad and Blake went to Key West with Tommy for a trip that turned out to be totally wasted (and a bit costly), Brad is now up in Atlanta with his friend Chase until Saturday, Blake is going up to Atlanta with me tomorrow (I have a baby shower to attend on Saturday) and will get to play with one of his best friends who he hasn't seen since we moved down here, and Brooklyn has been enjoying her Little Tikes playhouse she got last week. Other than that, they're all just as sweet and rotten as usual!! :)
Now, to on to me. I had a new low last week, last Tuesday to be exact. I had just left school, was heading home to a) take Ashley to her friend Taylor so they could go out to eat for Tay's bday, and b) head back home to finish a module test and then study for the test in class on Weds. There was a parent meeting for cheerleading to discuss fundraising but I was planning skipping that. I get a call from one of the moms asking me to come to the meeting so I could talk about the golf tournament (a fundraiser I was heading that would, in one day, raise the $5000 we needed for the new uniforms). I head over there, using time I just didn't have to spare, to talk about the tournament. After an hour and a half, I'm totally aggravated because it's seeming more and more like a big pain in the behind due to a couple of the moms. Every time I turn around, there's an opposition to something and I know it's because they didn't come up with the idea (I know, lame; who cares who came up with it so long as it gets the girls their uniforms and we don't pay out of pocket!!). I leave just ready to explode in tears because I was so annoyed.
I headed to Tokyo's to eat, the same restaurant Ashley was at with Taylor, her friends, and her mom. I couldn't sit with them and eat because we were too late; no biggie. But I went over to talk with Tammy about the meeting (she didn't go, obviously, since she had to be there with the girls) and blurted out that I just wanted to punch [insert mother's name here] in the face. I said it really could have been anyone and I'd have wanted to punch them, too - I think Tammy was feeling like she was glad she hadn't gone, lol. I continue to go on about my aggravation with this one mother, look to my left, and there is her daughter. I just burst into tears and go sit down. I mean, what was I supposed to now do? Omg, it was horrible.
When we were leaving, I pulled Mysti aside and told her I was sorry she'd heard me say that and that it wasn't anything personal against her mother and that it could've been anyone's mom and I'd have felt like that because I was feeling targeted at the meeting. She said she understood, hugged me, and I left. To say I felt an inch tall that night is an understatement.
I realized my limitations that night. I realized that I put too much on myself, I allow too much to be put on me, and I don't allow others to help or share in the responsibilities. That night was the result of my limits being exceeded. But as horrible as it was to go through (and I'm sure there will be residuals to come), I'm glad I went through it.
So while I was praying to God at Tokyo's saying,
"God, why on earth did you let me say that knowing Mysti was right there! Couldn't You have given me a sign to look left??",
I am now praying,
"Thank you, God, for opening my eyes to what You've been telling me all along while I was too busy to stop and listen. Thank you for using an example that left no questions whatsoever as to what You were saying to me and that You love me enough to keep telling me over and over, even when You have to get tough for me to hear."
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Feeling a tad lost...
So, it's been a hectic few days here. Can't say they've been hectic "good", either. I *really* wish I could. :(
School has me so stressed out. I have the online class that feels like a 24/7 class, with our online tests and our once-a-week in-class tests. That was stressful enough. But now I have this A&P class I'm taking and it's every day for 6 hours with tests every Monday. I only have to take this one for four weeks but after week 1 I feel like I need to be committed.
The kiddos start school in less than a month (August 1st) and I've been having to get their school stuff bought so we're not rushing around at the end of the month. Plus, for Ashley's cheer team I'm having to help organize a golf tournament on July 23 and that is stressing me B.I.G.T.I.M.E!! There are just not enough of me to go around these days.
On a side note, the stress is really getting to me physically, as it tends to do, and I've noticed a huge increase of my RLS episodes along with an increase in the heart palpitations that often go along with that. They are mostly at night when I'm at home but sometimes happen when I'm in the car or at school. I guess at all the stressful places or doing the stressful things? Without any health insurance, though, I can't really run out to the neurologist and get looked at, kwim? Soon, soon.
I'm pretty sure I've come to a decision on some important issues in my life. Most of them I've been sure about for a few months but then felt kinda wishy-washy. But some things recently came to light that really just spelled it all out to me and reaffirmed what I'd been leaning toward doing all along. I wish I could say that I prayed diligently about it and really felt God's pressure to go one way or the other. I can't. Because I haven't. But I do feel like I'm doing what I should be doing, so that's kinda feeling God's hand on it. *sigh* I just know that I cannot deal with this particular issue for one.more.day. I just can't - I don't have it in me anymore. I feel like I will seriously lose myself in a sea of nothingness if I don't make this change.
Your prayers are definitely coveted...
School has me so stressed out. I have the online class that feels like a 24/7 class, with our online tests and our once-a-week in-class tests. That was stressful enough. But now I have this A&P class I'm taking and it's every day for 6 hours with tests every Monday. I only have to take this one for four weeks but after week 1 I feel like I need to be committed.
The kiddos start school in less than a month (August 1st) and I've been having to get their school stuff bought so we're not rushing around at the end of the month. Plus, for Ashley's cheer team I'm having to help organize a golf tournament on July 23 and that is stressing me B.I.G.T.I.M.E!! There are just not enough of me to go around these days.
On a side note, the stress is really getting to me physically, as it tends to do, and I've noticed a huge increase of my RLS episodes along with an increase in the heart palpitations that often go along with that. They are mostly at night when I'm at home but sometimes happen when I'm in the car or at school. I guess at all the stressful places or doing the stressful things? Without any health insurance, though, I can't really run out to the neurologist and get looked at, kwim? Soon, soon.
I'm pretty sure I've come to a decision on some important issues in my life. Most of them I've been sure about for a few months but then felt kinda wishy-washy. But some things recently came to light that really just spelled it all out to me and reaffirmed what I'd been leaning toward doing all along. I wish I could say that I prayed diligently about it and really felt God's pressure to go one way or the other. I can't. Because I haven't. But I do feel like I'm doing what I should be doing, so that's kinda feeling God's hand on it. *sigh* I just know that I cannot deal with this particular issue for one.more.day. I just can't - I don't have it in me anymore. I feel like I will seriously lose myself in a sea of nothingness if I don't make this change.
Your prayers are definitely coveted...
Friday, July 4, 2008
"Oh Say Can You See..." that this year is 1/2 over?
Wow! It's here, the 4th of July, 2008!! Can I just start out by saying that I cannot believe how fast this year has gone by? My goodness, I can clearly remember celebrating Valentine's Day like it was yesterday and now we're more than halfway through the year. Time truly flies, only making it more and more clear that the time we have now needs to be used wisely. Last year we were in Disney for the holiday and Ashley was in Savannah with the church youth group at SuperWow. It'll be nice that we are all together for the holiday this year.
We are planning on getting together with friends for a cookout at the lake. Lots of people are going to be there, but many of them drink and after a long day of golfing and hanging out (all drinking activities around here) I'm not sure how it will go. Hopefully it will be an enjoyable day and evening but I'm definitely not opposed to coming home early and lighting sparklers in the front yard, if need be. I'll keep you posted on that!! (edited to add some pictures...)
Brooklyn and the lake dog
Tommy and Preston, waiting on the food
Blake fishing - so much for the 4th of July shirt I bought him!
Ash and Brooklyn, trying their hand at fishing
Brooklyn making her way around to
everyone's plate, now eating off mine
So since the program the other day, I've had a couple of days to reflect on what this holiday really means to me. I've always had a patriotic spirit, even so far back as 5 or 6 years old. I can remember getting very emotional hearing the fireworks go off on the 4th of July as a child and feeling like I needed to tell every soldier I knew that his/her work was appreciated so much. If I believed in former lives, I'd say that I was likely a service member myself previously!!
I think it's so important that each one of us realizes how extremely privileged each one of us is to be living in our country. No matter what party line you associate yourself with, no matter what religion you congregate with, no matter where you live - we are all blessed to be free, in every sense of the word. We are such a blessed nation, so much more than we all realize at times. It's so easy to take these kinds of freedoms for granted, after all. But these freedoms don't come easily, nor do they come free. It's important to also give great thanks to all of those who've made the sacrifices necessary to ensure our continuing freedom. With that comes the importance of giving great thanks to the One who made the biggest and ultimate sacrifice - that of Jesus Christ. Without His perfect offering of Himself, we would be free here on earth but would live in bondage and suffering for eternity.
So, with a grateful and pride-filled heart I say:
Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all our service members - past and present - who have offered their lives to the country they love so much. Thank you for your service, for your spirit of sacrifice, and for your love of this land (and all who share her with you). And thank you Jesus, for the sacrifice that you made - for the sacrifice that could never be repaid and for not requiring it to be repaid, but for only requiring us to believe you did it for us.
We are planning on getting together with friends for a cookout at the lake. Lots of people are going to be there, but many of them drink and after a long day of golfing and hanging out (all drinking activities around here) I'm not sure how it will go. Hopefully it will be an enjoyable day and evening but I'm definitely not opposed to coming home early and lighting sparklers in the front yard, if need be. I'll keep you posted on that!! (edited to add some pictures...)
Brooklyn and the lake dog
Tommy and Preston, waiting on the food
Blake fishing - so much for the 4th of July shirt I bought him!
Ash and Brooklyn, trying their hand at fishing
Brooklyn making her way around to
everyone's plate, now eating off mine
I think it's so important that each one of us realizes how extremely privileged each one of us is to be living in our country. No matter what party line you associate yourself with, no matter what religion you congregate with, no matter where you live - we are all blessed to be free, in every sense of the word. We are such a blessed nation, so much more than we all realize at times. It's so easy to take these kinds of freedoms for granted, after all. But these freedoms don't come easily, nor do they come free. It's important to also give great thanks to all of those who've made the sacrifices necessary to ensure our continuing freedom. With that comes the importance of giving great thanks to the One who made the biggest and ultimate sacrifice - that of Jesus Christ. Without His perfect offering of Himself, we would be free here on earth but would live in bondage and suffering for eternity.
So, with a grateful and pride-filled heart I say:
Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all our service members - past and present - who have offered their lives to the country they love so much. Thank you for your service, for your spirit of sacrifice, and for your love of this land (and all who share her with you). And thank you Jesus, for the sacrifice that you made - for the sacrifice that could never be repaid and for not requiring it to be repaid, but for only requiring us to believe you did it for us.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
One Nation Under God
That was the name of the program we put on at the Civic Center yesterday. Basically, it was a coming together of 4 choirs from various churches throughout the county and doing one big show for everyone. It was A LOT of work - lots of practices (especially for someone who doesn't have a whole lotta extra time to throw around these days) and having to really baby my throat (just hasn't been the same since being sick the week of VBS). After each practice I was really hoarse. I wasn't even sure I'd fit in with the sopranos by Weds at that rate!!
Those who know me well know that I'm a pretty emotional singer anyway. But throw in some patriotism mixed in with some reminders of all that God has done for us, and I'm a sobbing, blabbering mess!! Which then leads me right to Weds performance... :)
It was WONDERFUL! It went so much smoother than Tuesday's rehearsal but I'm pretty sure that a terrible last rehearsal/practice means everything will go great. (It always did when I was coaching cheer, anyway...) I got emotional at all the places I thought I would and in some that I didn't. It's hard to contain all those feelings of pride and thanks when you are facing an auditorium full of past and present servicemen and servicewomen.
At this point, though, I'm really really really glad it's over. Not because I didn't enjoy it but because it was draining me. A six hour school day, with an hour drive there and back, and a two hour rehearsal two days in a row does NOT = a restful Stacie. :)
Those who know me well know that I'm a pretty emotional singer anyway. But throw in some patriotism mixed in with some reminders of all that God has done for us, and I'm a sobbing, blabbering mess!! Which then leads me right to Weds performance... :)
It was WONDERFUL! It went so much smoother than Tuesday's rehearsal but I'm pretty sure that a terrible last rehearsal/practice means everything will go great. (It always did when I was coaching cheer, anyway...) I got emotional at all the places I thought I would and in some that I didn't. It's hard to contain all those feelings of pride and thanks when you are facing an auditorium full of past and present servicemen and servicewomen.
At this point, though, I'm really really really glad it's over. Not because I didn't enjoy it but because it was draining me. A six hour school day, with an hour drive there and back, and a two hour rehearsal two days in a row does NOT = a restful Stacie. :)
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